Buck has a file on this
Water
You have three streaming subscriptions and one very optimistic relationship with the tap.
Start with the water manual. The reference cards are free. The tap has declined to comment.
Open volume 02A Field Guide for the Unprepared
Real skills.Unreal narrator.
“I am not here to save you. I’m here because when it happens, I don’t want to share a stairwell with a man who thinks water comes from a subscription.”
Dr. Buck Savage† · †not a doctor
FIELD TESTEDDoctorate not located.
Ten volumes · 341,678 words · 175 drawings
Buy the ten paperbacks and the ebooks and audiobooks come with them.
The shelf, 1 to 10Hover a spine
FORAGING1
WATER2
FOOD STORAGE3
FIRE & POWER4
FIRST AID5
HUNTING & FISHING6
COMMS & ELECTRONICS7
ENGINES & TRANSPORT8
DEFENSE & SHELTER9
COMMUNITY10Water, fire, food, wounds, weather, engines, locks, radios, dinner, and the neighbours.
Department of avoidable incidents
Pick your
predicament.
One small admission. One useful book.
Buck will keep the paperwork.
Buck has a file on this
Fire & Power
Your torch is somewhere. A location I see cited frequently in incident reports.
Start with Fire & Power. Read the plan while the lights still work.
Open volume 04Buck has a file on this
Food Storage
A cupboard full of capers is a collection. We are discussing dinner.
Start with Food Storage. Gerald has already expressed an interest in your stock.
Open volume 03Buck has a file on this
Engines & Transport
You have renamed the warning light. The engine has not accepted the amendment.
Start with Engines & Transport. The Truck starts. There is a reason for that.
Open volume 08Buck has a file on this
Community
You know three networks called Guest and not the person who owns the ladder.
Start with Community. The people in the building are part of the plan.
Open volume 10Section 1 — the arithmetic
I ran the numbers
Buck runs arithmetic on strangers as a self-soothing behaviour. He has run it on this series too. Every figure below is measured from the finished books at build time, not typed into a template.
- Volumes
- 10
- Words of actual instruction
- 341,678
- Illustrations, drawn not stock
- 175
- Hours of it, read aloud
- 39.25
- Jokes inside a safety step
- 0
- Raccoons at large
- 1
- Doctors
- 0
Section 2 — the part that is not a joke
It is a real manual. That is the whole trick.
The cover gets the laugh and sells the gift. Then somebody opens it, and it turns out to be the clearest plain-English manual they own.
Every identification runs on positive ID against three independent confirmations. Water is worked at one gallon per person per day over fourteen days. Where a mistake maims or kills, the comedy stops mid-paragraph and the prose goes flat, procedural and short.
Section 3 — free, and no email wall
Check the manual before you buy the joke
Every volume ends in a practical appendix that tells the reader to photocopy it freely and laminate it shamelessly. So we published it — the real cards, at full strength, on every volume page.
Is it safe to forage for food in a city?Vol. 01 · ForagingHow much water should I store per person?Vol. 02 · WaterWhat should a two-week emergency food supply contain?Vol. 03 · Food StorageWhat should you do first in a power outage?Vol. 04 · Fire & PowerWhat should a home first aid kit contain?Vol. 05 · First AidHow do I start hunting or fishing legally?Vol. 06 · Hunting & FishingWhat radio should I get for emergencies?Vol. 07 · Comms & ElectronicsWhat should I check on my car every week?Vol. 08 · Engines & TransportHow do I make a door harder to kick in?Vol. 09 · Defense & ShelterHow do you organise neighbours before an emergency?Vol. 10 · Community
An unsolicited second opinion
Your pantry.
His inventory.
Gerald is a rival storekeeper. The fact that he is a raccoon has not affected his confidence, his punctuality, or his claim to your rice.
Inventory report / not yet authorised
He has requested access to the cupboard. I have requested that he leave. Neither request has progressed.
No actual provisions change hands. Gerald disputes this too.
The actual food-storage manual ↗Doreen’s cornerHis ex-wife. Taught him most of it.
“Don’t buy him ten. He’ll shelve ten. Buy him Water — he’ll read that one because it will annoy him, and then he’ll buy the other nine himself.”
“Date everything the day it comes in. An unpractised plan is a wish.”
Buck’s response
There is no recorded response.
Section 4 — the present
She is right, and it is mostly how these are bought
Nobody buys a survival manual for themselves: buying one means admitting the tap might stop. Somebody buys it for them, on a birthday, and gets to be the one who was right. So pick by the person, not the subject.
Give it to the one who keeps three ornamental matches in a designer vase.
Give it to the one who has been driving past that dashboard light since 2024.
Give it to the one who cannot name one neighbour.